181440 minutes, 3024 Hours or 126 days !!
That’s how long it’s been since I made, what was supposed to be, the biggest and most life changing decision of my life. As I sit here at home, rain trickling down the window outside, dark grey sky overhead, I feel the weather matches my recent mood rather well.
It’s Monday morning, and while others are sitting in their cars, or preparing for their daily commute to join the hamster wheel, I’m having an office day, reflecting on the past week full of Autumnal wonderfulness at Grantchester, Winter Waders at Snettisham, Roaring Stags at Woburn and Southampton goals at Stamford Bridge. I’m also looking forward to covering my first England game later in the week along with some Water Vole training and, weather depending, a trip down to Richmond park to continue with the Red Deer Rut.
From the outside it may look like I’ve got things sorted. Well, I’ll let you into a little secret.
Inside, I’m slowly falling apart
You see, I don’t feel like I’ve made best use of my time since changing the direction of my life. I think I always knew that the one major risk to my own direction in life was actually myself. I carry a few demons inside, untold, and they can sometimes take hold and crush even the best of intentions.
It’s been surprising just how quickly the structure of a 9-5 (or my case 7-7) job, when removed, can have a significant effect on your own day to day plans. Even a job you felt you no longer were happy in still gave structure. You see, it’s now 100% up to me to make my own day to day plans and chase after goals. Set myself targets. Challenge myself. Something I feel I’ve been very poor at over the past 4 months.
I’m very good at procrastination; pointing the figure at a multitude of reasons why things are hard and perhaps not going the way I feel they should be. I also talk a very good game in regards to what I should be doing. What I actually need to do is to take my own advice from a previous post !! Start something. Go after it with grit and determination. Embrace the difficulties. Put my face into the wind. Into the rain.
I have another problem though, and this one has been very difficult to admit to myself, let alone publish here. I have, however, always wanted this blog to be about my journey, both the good and the bad. The dark times as well as the light.
As my mood has gotten darker, and I’ve struggled with direction, I’ve found myself filling the void a little bit too much with alcohol. On one hand I wouldn’t say I’ve got an addiction problem, to the extent of craving a beer in the morning, however get Tuesday out of the way and I’m already considering it to be close enough to the weekend to pour myself a glass or two, just to take the edge off you understand?
Last night, as I poured myself a cold glass of beer, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked so sad, face wearing the pain of the demons inside. I took the glass and went to the sink to pour it away. I vowed to start afresh. But, in the morning, it would be a waste to pour this away, so I instead found myself drinking it. The fourth of the evening. Sleep interrupted followed, pacing the floors at 2am. Tears and anger mixed.
This is not how I want to live – I’m wasting the opportunity that has been given to me !!!
And you see alcohol has a double negative effect, as not only is it bad for me physically (and mentally) at the time, it also prevents me from being motivated the next day to chase my goals. Looking back, even before I changed the direction of my life, I knew I had to change my ways – and yet here we are 7 months later still procrastinating.
I don’t have an immediate answer to this. But I know I needed to start somewhere, and I felt publishing my struggles here may be just that starting point. I know my true self is still in there, and I’m thankful that I recognise my situation now, before it’s perhaps too late.
And then I turn to my bucket list and I realise that even in that list there are a number of items which can help me move forward.
It’s time to start. Just 4 months later than I should have !